I have been reminded recently how easy it is to lose sight of where I've been and just how far I've come in a short seems-like-forever-time. It has always been easier for me to push things of bad memory into the background and keep it moving. This was a mechanism for me that seemed like it was working, but would soon surface itself in the most ugly form.
In 2009, I found myself broken, confused, and lost in this world without a hand to hold. It was then that I entered a relationship that lasted entirely too long and entailed entirely too much for one to handle. I found myself trying to remold myself into what someone else wanted for their happiness and never once considered my own. This is called identity crisis y'all. Someone else's happiness is not yourhappiness. It can be your desire to be happy along side another individual, but your happiness is a personal choice for you, and should not be based on someone else outside of God.
During that relationship I experienced loss of life in the form of a pregnancy, verbal abuse, bulimia, betrayal through unfaithfulness, emotional/psychological breakdown, and came close to suicide on a few occasions. The final break for me was October 31, 2012. I was on my way to work with no intention of getting there. It was out of blue, but really out of heaven, that I heard, "my child, do not do it. I'm not done with you. Go home."
A few days later I found myself in therapy with a life coach and my world began to unravel. My hurts began to come out. My pain seeped through my pores and there was no denying it or covering it anymore. It was the most painful, difficult, vulnerable processes in my life, but man, did it change me!!!! I know now that in every situation that the enemy means for evil, the Lord will always make for your good.
In one of my sessions, I was told to write myself a letter that would emanate the things my life should be from God. Recently I have come across that letter:
You spend so much time looking for love, acceptance and joy in people, but in doing so you bring yourself pain and sorrow. Look no further because I am here with you. I have been here for you and will continue to be here for you. I accept you as you are, flaws and all, pass no judgment upon you and most importantly, I love you. Who you are is beautiful inside and out. You need to look no further than your heart. I will bring joy love laughter and peace I will always have an open ear to listen to all your needs and my support is limitless. I love you. Who you are, who you've been and who you are becoming. You are enough for me.
Of course I cried reading it, and not because it hurts to look back, BUT because I know after all this time GOD has continued to show him self. The difference? My eyes have been opened!
So why share this? Why tell the world this and leave the opportunity for others to think I'm "crazy" for sharing because I'm a woman. I'm sharing because I'm not the only one. I'm sharing because I wish someone would have had shared with me and maybe saved me some time. I wish someone would have loved me through it, instead of talk at me for being "stupid." I'm sharing because I'm a living testimony of God's love and his grace!
It is almost four years later and I have fallen in love with me and with God! I have found that my insecurities of not being enough are no longer measured by how proud or not proud my earthly parents are. I have found that my joy comes from the Lord! I have found myself standing on a stage sharing words to over 600 women, which was a dream come true. I have found myself in a new place, in new roles, and living for God on a level I could have only prayed for. I find myself FORGIVEN. I find myself STRONG. I find myself BOLD. I find myself BRAVE.
I encourage you to look how far you've come. I encourage you to hug yourself and thank yourself for doing better. Being better. Being stronger. I encourage you to give God a chance to speak to you and watch him speak through you to others. I encourage you to write yourself a letter from God and keep it close as a reminder of who he is and how important you are to him. Oh how he loves you. How he loves me. How he loves US! I'm no different than you my sister and in that, there is a bond of sisterhood waiting to be tapped. I'm here for you all. Sending prayers and hugs into the atmosphere.
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