In lieu of the momentum of Mother’s Day, I felt that the sharing of my struggles as a mommy, would bring light and transparency to many mother’s to say… ME TOO! You see, I wish I could say motherhood is all flowers and chocolates but, it isn’t. It’s messy rooms, teacher conferences, mommy struggles, getting to practice, houses that seem to only require us to clean, and ladies, the list goes on and on. But, what if I told you… What if I shared that in the middle of the chaos in our castle of motherhood, we could find a support system? A place where great anxieties die down and overflowing of love and joy bathes us from head to toe? Sounds like a hair shampoo commercial, doesn’t it? That’s what I used to think. I couldn’t even imagine a day without chaos or anything else but, the day I was in, let alone the day to come tomorrow. Being a mommy certainly has it’s not so shared moments and one of them for me was actually mothering my daughter. Loving her was not a question but, being a
mother to my daughter was a challenge for me verses my son. You might be asking yourself, why? Let me just be clear, I LOVED my princess. She is and was the most beautiful baby girl that I could have ever created(of course her dad had some input too) but, I loved my Bella. I never spent a day without telling her how much I loved her. I would hold her and fill her face with kisses… The problem wasn’t the LOVE it was the relationship, my relationship as a mom to her that was the problem.
It all started when I was a little girl. Having a mommy who was young (16 to be exact) and still watching her, trying to live her life, while still being a mother, it was tough for me. I didn’t see much of her. She worked hard and long hours and sometimes more than one job. School events, playing with dolls, tea time, and all the things that little girls like to do, I didn’t get to experience with my mom. Many times I would have school plays and activities and she could not make it to them. This lack in my childhood became a lack in my motherhood. I had practically raised my little brothers and knew how to be a big sister to them and thus it was easy for me to mother my first born. My son Jay. But, as my daughter grew up, I found myself frustrated and in a place where I could see that my daughter needed me, and I didn’t know how to be what she wanted me to be. And, I didn’t know why. Talk about complete blindness. I didn’t know how to play dress up with someone else but, myself, or play with dolls or interact with her the way she wanted because of my issues as a little girl. I expected her to play by herself, just like I did. I expected her to understand that mommy was too busy to paint my nails, was too busy to do this and to do that with her. I expected her to play with her electronic whatever and just stay busy.
Coming from a Hispanic upbringing I never quite fit in and that made it all the harder for me to get the attention that I was so desperately seeking. I was my playmate. I did a lot of things alone. And now, I expected my daughter to cope like me? I expected her to understand?
Thankfully, she is.. moms, God changed that for me. As God began healing me from my childhood hurts, lacks, and so forth. I began to see where the root-cause was coming from. I began to have sight. I began to realize that I could be the difference in my family. The process of healing from the inside out, allowed me to be honest, transparent, and vulnerable with God. I began asking him to help me. And HE DID just that! I am full of tears as I write this post because girls, he did just that! He healed me from all the holes that I had in my heart from fatherless to you name it. It was there that love came down and rescued me. A support system, a place where great anxieties died down and that overflowing of love and joy I told you about bathed me from head to toe. It was there, that the place of dysfunction no longer had a hold on me. The family influences that were passed down.. Broken! Gone! When God calls us and opens our minds to follow His way of life, we may not be fully aware of how our new relationship with Him will not only change us individually, but can also have a wonderful influence on our descendants, impacting future generations. Like our children. Like it did for me and my daughter!
I am proud to say that we have a 3 fold cord that is unbreakable. She is mommy’s girly partner, playmate, and the daughter that God used, to send me to a place of healing. One's dysfunctional personal behavior becomes a model or example to the next generation, and the cycle can be repeated over and over again. Thankfully, because of God’s love invading in my life, I was able to model the same to my daughter and of course my son.
I am very blessed with two wonderful children. Jay who will be 10 on the 17th of this month and Bella Amor’e who turns 8 Friday the 13th. Everyday I look at her, I thank God for the grace, mercy, and love he gave ME that saw me through that mommy struggle. His consolation brought in my life GREAT JOY!
Mother’s Day is all about these things. These attributes; the good and bad of motherhood that showed me the “ideal” mother could never be me. In which raising my children sounded more like something I could achieve.
My hope is that you see that we don’t have to do this alone. That we can break generations of generation of things over our life. All of us are dealing with issues and some of us may need to ask for help. We should always be humble enough, to ask for help. Whether your a single mom, separated, newly divorced, widowed, or a mom who’s married. There is no shame in asking for help and encouragement from others! Mother’s Day can sometimes be the worst day for many mothers out there. Just know that this mommy here, struggles just like you and that your not in this by yourselves!
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