I sit in a room full of people in awe of who they are and what they have done in life. I see them doing missionary trips and being significant changers in the lives of the less fortunate. I see them spending their time serving the country in which I live, sacrificing their lives, time, and freedom to give me mine. I see them spreading the word of God through music, dance, and words. I see those marching for freedom, equality, and justice not only for their benefit, but for the benefit of our future generations to come. I see world travelers, I see kingdom builders, I see parents raising up little humans, I see couples fighting for their relationships, families fighting to find restoration, and the searching looking for something more than themselves.
I am lost.
To say that out loud to myself or a girlfriend is okay but to admit it to who knows how many will read this blog, is scary. I am 26 years old and if I look back at who I thought I would be at 26 from my 5 year old perspective I would be disappointed. I was supposed to be this world traveler, doctor, saving
humans and animals, doing hair on the side, married with kids, dancing back up for Janet Jackson. I mean come on now! I am none of that. Ha! While I know a 5 year old can dream big, I also know nothing is impossible. However, life sometimes leads you to new possibilities that sometimes seem like failure. I think I am there right now….
I am searching, searching for something…something I don’t even know or where to find it. Am I happy? Yeah I am blessed, but being blessed doesn’t stop you from feeling guilt or disappointment within yourself. I have been through a lot in life, some things that practically took my life, honestly should have, but I am here. And I am searching. I am searching for my purpose. This brings me back to my opening statement: I sit in a room full of people in awe of who they are and what they have done in life.
I wonder who I will be in 2 years, 5 years, or even 20 years. I wonder if I will impact the world or conquer my own fears. I wonder if my family will ever find forgiveness and spend one more holiday together. Will I be married? Will I be successful? Will I make a difference in someone’s life?
I think it is easy to be down on ourselves because that is what the enemy wants from you--BUT GOD, God wants you to serve Him. God wants you to work for Him. Love for Him. Live for Him. I sat in a room full of worshippers last night and I cried because God’s love is so much more to me than being worried about who I will be. God already made me FEARFUL and WONDERFUL. He knows my plans. He wrote my story. Who I am, is not who they are. Who I am becoming isn’t on the time of my peers, or the desires of hearts of strangers. Who I am is a child of a King and that is enough.
I am searching for my purpose, but searching doesn’t have to be a losing battle. Searching can be as simple as being open to new possibilities. Searching is trusting. Searching is faith in action! Searching is a journey that should be taken with a grain of salt, an open mind, a deep breath and a GRATEFUL heart.
I am searching…and that’s okay.
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