We don't all come from homes or environments of love or affection. The people we meet don't always have the best intentions and the idea of love sometimes is something to fear.
There comes a time when you have to stop relying on other people to give you love and learn to live without it. Right? Wrong! I’ve always run away from this idea of love. The possibility of someone loving me scared the mess out of me. Why? Because I have always hated who I was and everyone who said they loved me, hurt me in unimaginable ways. This isn’t new. We’ve all heard it, but it is real life for some of us and an every day battle. It's really hard letting someone love you when you hate yourself. And it's easy to hate yourself when you have never been taught to love yourself.
Growing up being told you are ugly, fat, unworthy, or undesirable definitely leaves
marks on your heart. For some, those words roll off their back, for others, like myself, they go directly into the aorta, forever causing damage. It is like every pump of blood is an aching reminder.
I mentioned to a sweet friend of mine the other day, how easy it is to hide your ugly parts from people when it is for moments at a time. However, when you are faced with your “ugliness” and can no longer hide it, you realize just how broken you are. Come on y’all, the truth will always come out! You can’t hide from your “ugly” or your “broken.” One way or another you will be faced with it. Not because God wants to embarrass you or expose you, but to GROW you. Soooo what do we try to do? Run.
Push them away. Ummm Run faster. Duh!
So my boo thang, my boyfriend, my best friend—I have tried to get rid of him for yearssssss y’all. Like honey, I am a mess, I am broken, I am ugly, I am a disaster—run! Run far away. Get you a girl with X, Y, Z that isn’t me, obviously, and go be happy. Guess what? He is still here. NOW hear me out, I didn’t try to get rid of him because he was a bad person, but because he is soo good! I feel like I wasn’t good enough. Wouldn’t satan just love that?? H would've loved for this respectful, loving, caring, ENCOURAGING man to just up and leave and be like, “yup, you right! Bye!” Of course he would! BUUUUUUT baby, when God sends people in your life, he sends them for reasons. We learn love from people. They teach how to love these different parts of ourselves, these parts they unlock, uncover, and essentially bring to life.
They take the parts of you that you were originally taught to hate, and make you fall in love with them. The moments you feel weak, they help you become strong in. When you can’t see, they turn on lights for you. They are blessings, pieces of God sent to show you love--His love. The beauty in that, even though you can’t always see it, nor will you always be told, is you too are teaching them to love themselves too.
Every day is a battle. Every single day. Yes, I will give you that, but if there is one thing I have learned, and continue to learn, it is to always be yourself. Those parts that you hate, someone loves, someone is searching for, praying for. Those broken pieces you despise, are puzzle pieces for others waiting to lock into, to be encouraged and to exhale the feelings of worthlessness. All beauty comes from times of “ugly,” but ugly and broken are all perspective. When it rains some people see inconvenience and mess, I see necessity, refreshment and deeper roots.
Jeremiah 17:8 “They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
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