Leah and Rachel, both women had something the other wanted. Leah wanted Jacob's love. Rachel wanted a child. The depth of their desire was extremely grievous. So it is with us. We want this or that. We want it all -- this perfect life where we can sit back and enjoy it carefree. It's what we strive for. Thank you, God, that You love us too much to allow us to live that way. He uses desire and pain to move us in His direction.
I relate to Rachel in this story in the fact that I miscarried three babies before I ever had Kyle. My one desire growing up was to be a wife and mom, and I was faced with whether that would ever happen. The not knowing part was all consuming. The pain and brokenness I dealt with was so deep there were
no words or comfort to be found. It literally forever changed the person I was, my personality, the way I related to others, my perspective, everything. Then on top of it I received others' well-meaning "advice" and their sometimes self-righteous judgment of thinking they understood and what I should or should not be doing, which magnified the pain even greater. (I'm guilty of the same.)
Even after my sons, Kyle and Scott were born, I remained changed. You can't go back to the way you were, the way things were, after experiencing such deep pain. No matter what circumstance or situation caused it, you are never able to go back. You are forever changed.
The path we choose to healing, however, is key to who we become. The choice is daily. We can choose anger, bitterness, resentment, jealousy, even being judgmental about others -- and believe me I've had my share of that -- or we can choose to take that pain and look for ways to bring good about, to allow healing to take place, to use it for a greater good and purpose. Not overnight by no means but one day, one moment, one decision at a time. We look at others and think their lives are wonderful, worry-free and problem-free but we all have gone through battles and face hardships, usually private ones that aren't broadcast.
If you are feeling that pain so deep that you can't breathe at times, it's okay. You're allowed. But allow healing to come in due time. Don't waste that circumstance or allow your heart to close up and become bitter. It's during these times when we draw closest to Him. God bless!
(A dear friend once recommended a book to me which I have read many times, and I would recommend the same: Spiritual Rhythms by Mark Buchanan.)
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