Hi, my name is Haily.
There are no Legos or juice stains on my carpet and my house stays in perfect order. I sleep soundly through the entire night and nothing wakes me up except for our alarm clock. My cabinets are full of breakable dishes and pricy figurines. No piece of clothing I own has ever had spit up or smashed peas on it and I've never washed anything smaller than a t-shirt (ok, aside from socks). My weekends are spent living life on the fly with impromptu B&B getaways and beach days with my husband.
But I crave the juice stains and sleepless nights. I yearn for my cabinets to be filled with plastic sippy cups and to be able to get frustrated over my favorite shirt being splattered with pureed carrots. I dream of Fridays spent at little league and Saturdays at splash parks. There is nothing more I want in life than to hold sticky little hands, to wipe away snotty noses, and for someone use the word "mom" when referring to me.
My husband and I have been trying to start our family for the past four years. Dealing with infertility has been exhausting. I've spent a lot of time in my life questioning who I was as a wife, woman, and, most importantly, a Christian. Then I moved to Alabama and found healing in the most unlikely of backroad, bug filled places. Somewhere in the past 5 months, my heart shifted and I finally found forgiveness in myself and was able to let go of a dream that I was clinging so tightly too. The most beautiful thing happened next, God showed me why. I went from a place of questioning why we were being forced to live with such an overpowering desire to be parents and not getting (or staying) pregnant, to seeing the beautiful, overwhelming truth and intention of the desire He put in our heart. What I once thought was God's burden has come to light as His glowing beacon to what we should be doing. One night I got up and felt compelled to write and as I scribbled the following words out and looked down at them I knew what we had been called to.
"Sometimes people need parenthood and sometimes parenthood needs people."
So let me start again.
Hi, my name's Haily and we're going to find our family in adoption.
I've been thinking a lot lately about where we were and where we are. We spent years of our life, years of our marriage, living in a state of questioning and disappointment with the constant underlying tone of sorrow. We said that we had faith and that we were giving our struggle to Him, but were we really? No.
When I think about the biggest difference between now and then, it really comes down to one thing, how we were choosing to wait. We were waiting for something to happen, something to change but we were doing it without making the conscious decision to give it to Him, to give it all to Him, and it was making us miserable. We allowed ourselves to get lost in our attempt to control the situation and make sense of it.
In the now, we make the decision everyday to, as a good friend always says, "Let go and let God." We are done trying to make sense of what has happened to us and instead we are now living in the state of joy that we've gained from letting the need to do that, go, and let me tell you friends, it's a beautiful state to live in.
Yes, we are still waiting. That part hasn't changed but that's ok, because I know that the child(ren) God has in store for us are out there. So today we wait, and we will continue to wait, in joy because we know what His promise is to us.
And to our sweet child, it's ok, you can take your time because we're not going anywhere. So wherever you are, whoever you may be, we're here, hand-in-hand, and waiting for you.
My husband and I have never celebrated Father's Day. In fact, most years it's been a day that we choose to not even acknowledge, but not this year. This year we celebrated.
He didn't wake up to handmade cards and crafts, he didn't spend the day enjoying a game of catch, but what he did have this year is a view that he's never had before.
This year he woke up and walked down the hall to a room that holds a crib. This crib. Our crib. A crib that, though empty now, he knows will be filled by the promise God has made to us. The promise that my husband's heart feels so clearly on days like today.
I have watched this man pray relentlessly over the past 4 years for the child that he knew God would one day give us. Without even knowing who that beautiful little soul is, he has continued to put them first in our life. He is strong for them, even though they are not here yet. He works hard for them, even though they don't know what type of life he is creating for them. He loves them, even though they might not yet have taken their first breath yet.
In his heart, he is a Father already, and I know that the moment he and their eyes meet for the first time he will be their Father, forever.
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